


absurd ironic bullshit overlap

by Elendraug



Series: bullet time text-fuck-athon [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Cloacalingus, Cybersex, Dave/Davesprite is discussed at length, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Pesterlog, Sex Positive, Sex Toys, Xeno, mangaka dudebros lords of the shitwankery, shitting dick nipples
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-09-07
Packaged: 2018-04-19 14:27:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4749782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG: there are so many dead things i could poke with those yaoi hands<br/>TG: which<br/>TG: speaking of the yaois<br/>TG: i see that im gods gift to them huh<br/>uu: YES. PROBABLY.</p>
            </blockquote>





	absurd ironic bullshit overlap

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sundance](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundance/gifts), [FreakyHumanShit (Maim)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maim/gifts).



> you guys should ship this because davekat and dirkuu are two ships with a similar dynamic and there's a reason for that, and people already ship dirk/karkat so
> 
> on top of that
> 
> ¯\\(°_o)/¯ why not

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering  turntechGodhead [TG]

uu: YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT I’VE READ YOUR COMIC.  
TG: what  
TG: sbahj  
TG: did you like it  
uu: NO.  
TG: oh  
TG: i mean thats fine thats your right as a dude to not like my shit but i dont know why youve taken the time to message me about not being impressed with my lifes work  
TG: thanks a lot  
uu: DAVE.  
TG: what  
uu: YOU TYPE FASTER THAN ME. YOU ASSHOLE.  
TG: yeah i type pretty fast tbqh  
uu: YOU INTERRUPTED THE NARRATIVE FLOW THAT I WAS GOING FOR.  
TG: how sick is your flow  
uu: HUH?  
TG: i mean have you taken its temperature  
TG: does it need to be put to bed  
TG: maybe you should take your flow to the hospital  
uu: WHAT THE FUCK.  
TG: on the contrary  
TG: in ways that dont make sense as far as slang that would indicate being impressed with your wordplay  
TG: i think maybe your flow is healthy  
TG: fit as a fiddle  
TG: been eating all its apples a day  
TG: maybe even juicing them  
TG: im sorry to inform you but your flow is the very picture of health  
TG: if it takes you a minute to recover from shock id understand  
TG: ill be here when youre ready to talk again  
uu: YOU PIECE OF SHIT. STOP SENDING ME THESE FUCKING WALLS OF WORDVOMIT.  
TG: yeah thats what im talking about  
TG: sick flows  
uu: HOLY FUCK.  
uu: OK. AS YOUR LORD. AND A FELLOW ARTIST. I COMMAND YOU TO STOP TYPING FOR THE NEXT TWO MINUTES.  
TG: ok  
uu: NO. STOP.  
uu: OK?  
uu: OK.  
uu: LIKE I WAS TRYING TO SAY BEFORE YOU RUDELY TRUNCATED MY TEXT.  
uu: I DON’T LIKE YOUR COMIC.  
uu: I LOVE IT.  
uu: THERE. NOW WE’VE HAD THE APPROPRIATE CAUSE AND EFFECT REACTION. THAT INCLUDING A DRAMATIC PAUSE BETWEEN STATEMENTS. WOULD HAVE EVOKED IN THE FIRST PLACE.  
uu: AS I TAKE A DIGITAL BOW. YOU MAY APPLAUD MY CLEVERNESS.  
uu: (YOU CAN TYPE AGAIN.)  
TG: was that two minutes  
TG: i wasnt counting  
uu: I COULD CHECK THE TIMESTAMPS. BUT WHO CARES.  
TG: im glad you loved my masterpiece  
TG: my sbahj bowel movements are regular im pleased to inform you  
TG: i shit gold bricks  
TG: i polish the fuck out of those turds  
TG: lovingly caress every single pixel of jpeg artifact until its the best/worst dump to ever have graced the internet  
TG: youre welcome  
uu: THANK YOU FOR THAT VIVID IMAGERY.  
uu: IS THIS WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO?  
TG: whats the problem  
uu: YOU WENT FROM ZERO TO SIXTY ON SCAT JOKES.  
TG: i wasnt taking it to that precise level but ok  
TG: i mean  
TG: is that a dealbreaker  
TG: so what if im a coprophiliac  
TG: are you judging me  
TG: dont kinkshame me man  
uu: SHITTING FUCK.  
TG: yeah exactly  
uu: GROSS, DAVE.  
TG: youre hurting my feelings  
uu: YOU’RE LYING.  
TG: yeah i am  
TG: you got me  
TG: uh  
TG: so  
TG: anyway  
TG: this got off to a weird start  
uu: YEAH.  
TG: what uh  
TG: what was your favorite part of sbahj  
uu: BESIDES ALL OF IT?  
TG: flatterer  
TG: yeah be more specific numbnuts  
uu: TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. IT’S NOT A PARTICULAR PAGE THAT I LOVE.  
TG: no?  
uu: MY FAVORITE ASPECT. IS THE GRAPHIC DESIGN SKILL YOU’VE EMPLOYED. IN THE STRUCTURE OF THE WEBSITE ITSELF.  
TG: hahahahahahaha  
TG: oh my god  
uu: I ESPECIALLY FELT A SENSE OF KINSHIP BETWEEN US. WHEN I REALIZED HOW SHAMELESSLY YOU WERE TROLLING YOUR READERSHIP FOR FINANCIAL CONTRIBUTIONS. BY SELLING AD SPACE. AND HAWKING ABYSMAL MERCH.  
TG: fucking amazing  
TG: thank you  
uu: I AM A BUSINESSMAN.  
TG: #same  
uu: THIS PLOY COULD BE CONSTRUED AS INSULTING TO THE READERS IF IT WASN’T SO EFFECTIVE.  
uu: LOOK AT THIS SHIT.  
uu: YOU TAKE THE WORST QUALITY IMAGES YOU CAN FIND AND DISPLAY THEM NEXT TO HIGH CONTRAST ANIMATED GIFS.  
uu: THEN SCREENPRINT THAT GARBAGE ONTO A GENERIC T-SHIRT.  
uu: AND RAKE IN THE CASH.  
uu: I’M FUCKING IMPRESSED.  
uu: AND I THOUGHT I’D PULLED A FAST ONE WITH MY KICKSTARTER.  
TG: oh my god what did you kickstart  
uu: IT WAS A CLAYMATION SERIES.  
TG: fuuuuuck  
TG: you gotta show me dude  
uu: I WILL.  
uu: HOLD ON.  
uu: [http://www.mspaintadventures.com/ACT6ACT6.php?s=6&p=009310](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/ACT6ACT6.php?s=6&p=009310)  
TG: is that mspa  
uu: YES.  
uu: AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE. IN THE URL.  
TG: shit ive been forgetting to check midnight crew for updates  
TG: did that end yet  
uu: NO, IT’S STILL GOING ON.  
TG: ok maybe ill get caught up later  
TG: im gonna watch these  
TG: lmfao  
TG: this is some good shit right here  
TG: ive always felt like i couldve gotten really into animation if id pushed my webcomic skillz further  
TG: holy shit dude  
TG: is that lil cal  
uu: YES. BUT DON’T SAY ITS NAME.  
TG: why not  
uu: JUST DON’T.  
TG: ok no prob  
TG: he kinda freaks my shit out anyway  
TG: by kinda i mean completely  
TG: so no skin off my nose if we dont talk about him  
TG: uh  
TG: no offense  
TG: about noses  
uu: WHATEVER.  
TG: is that a butt plug  
uu: IS WHAT A BUTT PLUG?  
TG: the purple thing  
uu: THE PURPLE THING IS A GROWN MAN.  
TG: what  
uu: AND ALSO A CLOWN.  
TG: again i say unto you  
TG: what  
uu: I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT IS THAT YOU’RE NOT GETTING.  
TG: mostly everything  
uu: MAYBE IF YOU--  
uu: OH COME ON.  
uu: THIS ISN’T THAT HARD.  
TG: isnt it though  
uu: NO.  
TG: that is a damn shame  
TG: a damn shame  
uu: WHAT.  
TG: lets not start a what/what war  
TG: unless youre gonna quote that song  
TG: thatd be kinda funny  
uu: WHAT SONG?  
TG: dude  
TG: dude  
TG: how long have you been on the internet  
TG: this is important history here  
TG: <https://youtu.be/fbGkxcY7YFU>  
uu: WHAT IS THIS.  
uu: IS HE TALKING TO ME?  
uu: HE’S MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME.  
TG: nah  
TG: well sorta i guess  
uu: TRULY, WHAT SEPARATES A CREATOR FROM HIS AUDIENCE?  
uu: THIS IS JUST LIKE THE GODDESS OF MANGA.  
TG: who  
uu: NOTHING.  
uu: NOBODY.  
uu: DAVE. HE’S OFFERING ME POWER.  
uu: AND I THINK ALSO CANDY.  
TG: that aint all  
TG: i mean theres  
TG: did you not pick up on the subtext in this song because its not even much of sub anything  
TG: hahahaha  
TG: i mean  
TG: well its that too  
TG: but mostly just kinda  
TG: its not a secret  
uu: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
TG: uh  
TG: dont tell me this went over your head  
uu: WHAT, THE SEXUAL INNUENDO?  
uu: NO. I GOT THAT.  
uu: IT’S IN THE GODDAMN TITLE. I’M NOT STUPID.  
TG: oh  
uu: WHAT THE FUCK. YOU ASSHOLE.  
uu: DID YOU THINK I WAS THAT OBLIVIOUS?  
TG: no  
TG: maybe  
TG: no  
uu: THE TRICK WOULD’VE WORKED ON ME. IF I WAS NOT ALREADY AWARE OF THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN AN AUTHOR AND HIS READERSHIP.  
uu: THE SAME APPLIES TO A MUSIC VIDEO.  
uu: I DID THIS SORT OF BULLSHIT. WHEN I WAS WRITING MY OWN COMIC.  
TG: you have a comic  
uu: YES.  
TG: what is it  
uu: YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF IT.  
uu: IT IS AN ESTEEMED COLLECTION OF FINE SEQUENTIAL ART.  
uu: ENTITLED.  
uu: HOMOSUCK.  
TG: homosuck  
uu: ENLIGHTEN YOURSELF.  
uu: [http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=008144](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/?s=6&p=008144)  
uu: MY ART HAS IMPROVED A LOT. OBVIOUSLY.  
uu: BUT WE ALL HAVE TO START SOMEWHERE. BEFORE REACHING THE PINNACLE OF ACHIEVEMENT MOUNTAIN.  
TG: is that john  
TG: did you draw john  
uu: UGH. YES.  
TG: fuck i just realized i forgot to keep looking at the vines  
TG: look at this youre making me open like  
TG: two whole tabs  
uu: TAB IS SHIT.  
uu: THE SUGAR IT USES IS FAKE.  
uu: WHO THE FUCK WANTS FAKE SUGAR?  
TG: diabetics mostly i think  
uu: THE VAST BULK OF MY DIET IS SUGAR.  
TG: i hope you like aspartame dude  
TG: im concerned for your future insulin levels  
uu: I GOT THIS.  
uu: DON’T APPLY HUMAN STANDARDS TO MY BIOLOGICAL PROCESSES.  
TG: yeah ok sorry  
TG: not like i know a whole bunch about those processes mr mysterious no name  
TG: should i just call you undying  
TG: mr umbrage  
uu: LORD UMBRAGE MIGHT BE ACCEPTABLE.  
TG: no thats dumb  
uu: SAYS YOU.  
TG: yep  
TG: dude is this me  
uu: WHERE?  
TG: im the alpha male  
TG: im the alpha male with smooth ways  
TG: and a sword  
TG: *sord  
TG: *no wait  
TG: *sword  
uu: YEAH. THAT’S YOU.  
TG: did you write friendfiction  
TG: is that what this is  
TG: i hardly know what to say  
uu: I’VE DONE A LOT OF ARTWORK OF YOU.  
TG: that  
TG: is a weird thing to hear but ok i gotta see  
uu: LET ME GET IT.  
uu: OK. THIS IS CHAPTER TWO.  
uu: IT’S MY OLD STYLE. SO KEEP THAT IN MIND.  
uu: [http://www.mspaintadventures.com/ACT6ACT6.php?s=6&p=008376](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/ACT6ACT6.php?s=6&p=008376)  
TG: hey its me  
TG: oh theres uh  
TG: the puppet again  
TG: the puppet we arent gonna name  
TG: yknow for getting freaked out about samwell looking directly into the camera you sure did draw me staring out into the viewers eyes  
uu: YES. THOSE BABY REDS.  
TG: what  
uu: ABOUT THAT.  
uu: MY ART GOT BETTER. AFTER A LOT OF HARD WORK.  
uu: SKIP THAT PART. READ THIS INSTEAD.  
uu: [http://www.mspaintadventures.com/ACT6ACT6.php?s=6&p=008753](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/ACT6ACT6.php?s=6&p=008753)  
TG: oh there she is  
TG: theres the goddess of manga  
TG: hahahahahaha  
TG: look at these chumps  
TG: right into the trash  
TG: i feel kinda bad for laughing but not really  
TG: this is great  
uu: YES. CONTINUE TO PRAISE ME.  
TG: i will sir  
TG: sir lord  
uu: KEEP CLICKING.  
TG: oh  
TG: mg  
TG: oh magnesium  
TG: i just swaggered into our fucking business  
TG: hot damn  
TG: check out that piercing gaze  
TG: im fanning myself  
TG: lets turn this audacious phantasy into a sensual reality  
TG: here i come manga dave  
uu: GOOD.  
uu: INCESTUOUSLY MASTURBATORY.  
TG: i have long graceful fingers  
TG: for mixing fresh beats  
TG: or being a paleontologist or whatever  
TG: there are so many dead things i could poke with those yaoi hands  
TG: which  
TG: speaking of the yaois  
TG: i see that im gods gift to them huh  
uu: YES. PROBABLY.  
TG: you called me gorgeous  
uu: YEAH.  
TG: so  
TG: i hate to be that guy  
TG: but  
TG: thats a little gay dont you think  
uu: FESTIVE?  
TG: i guess i could use some more santas before i get festive  
TG: get my holiday on  
TG: the very fanciest of santas  
TG: this chatlog is looking kinda christmassy now that i think about it  
TG: dude you need to rename your comic  
TG: because im a few pages in and  
TG: i officially christen this homoeroticsuck  
TG: its got a nice ring to it  
TG: rolls off the tongue  
TG: forked or not  
TG: rolls like buttered gluten-full appetizers i can get free without ordering shit  
TG: rolls like rick astley  
TG: rolls like walmart rolls back prices  
TG: uh  
TG: are you afk  
TG: ok  
TG: gonna assume you went to pee or something  
TG: ill just keep paging through bizarro anime me touching karkats crying bishounen face  
TG: ive achieved a doki  
TG: maybe like  
TG: several doki  
TG: multiple doki sir dudebro  
TG: lmk when you come back  
TG: was i not supposed to comment on you writing about my erotic liaison with karkat  
TG: it seemed like the key point of discussion here  
TG: although the purple clown buttplug tf scene was worthwhile  
TG: dude are you there  
TG: dont leave me hanging  
TG: now its real awkward  
TG: its cool if you think im hot like its flattering for real  
TG: i mean obviously  
TG: look at how many trusty bitches i had in my parade  
TG: gotta scrape em off  
TG: im rubber theyre glue  
TG: assuming in this case its a type of adhesive thatd bond to rubber  
TG: ok that might degrade the quality of the rubber tho  
TG: lets try another simile  
TG: its like flies  
TG: buzzing and swarming  
TG: all landing on my person  
TG: gotta beat em off  
TG: uh  
TG: yknow what i meant  
TG: not like domestic violence duh  
TG: also not jerking it  
TG: well  
TG: maybe  
TG: but nah  
TG: dude where did you go did i freak you out  
TG: im sorry if i freaked you out  
TG: i can talk about clay some more if you want  
TG: that seems like a safe topic  
TG: not that theres ever been anybody playing with clay who didnt immediately shape a little clay dick out of it  
TG: at least i always did  
TG: but then there was probably a reason for that  
TG: this one time actually i uh  
uu: OK I’M BACK.  
uu: YOU TYPE A LOT.  
TG: i have a condition  
uu: I SEE THAT.  
TG: where were you  
uu: I MAY HAVE JUST FOUND OUT THAT JAKE LIED TO ME ABOUT A CERTAIN DEFINITION.  
uu: BECAUSE HE’S A MORON. RESPECTABLE MASSIVE GAY HOPE BUBBLE OR NOT.  
uu: I GOT DISTRACTED.  
TG: what definition  
uu: THE INTERNET SEARCH RESULTS WERE NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.  
uu: TO SAY THE LEAST.  
TG: uh ok  
TG: whatd you find  
uu: SOME... STUFF.  
TG: stuff  
uu: THAT I BOOKMARKED FOR LATER.  
TG: thats a hell of a mystery  
TG: im gonna have to use my imagination now  
TG: thats what you up and did  
TG: now im getting creative in my headspace here  
TG: whats mr dudelord looking up on his interwebs  
TG: surfing those nets  
TG: got the top down  
TG: cruising along the information superhighway  
uu: PLEASE, PLEASE STOP WITH THE 90S COMPUTER SLANG.  
uu: IT WASN’T EVEN COOL BACK THEN.  
TG: how would you know  
TG: only 90s kids remember  
TG: and god do we ever want to forget  
uu: I HAVE ACCESS TO THE ENTIRE TIMELINE, IF YOU SERIOUSLY FORGOT.  
TG: i dont think i ever explicitly knew that  
TG: and i know a lot of explicit things  
uu: DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT SEX, DAVE?  
TG: whoa  
TG: where did that come from  
uu: YOU KEEP ALLUDING TO SEXUAL THINGS.  
uu: LIKE I SAID.  
uu: I’M NOT STUPID.  
TG: um  
TG: ummmm  
TG: what happens if i say yes  
TG: yes i do  
uu: THEN YOU CAN START SAYING THINGS DIRECTLY TO ME.  
uu: INSTEAD OF HEDGING YOUR BETS THROUGH JOKES AND PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY.  
TG: oh  
TG: then  
TG: yeah  
uu: YEAH?  
TG: so you think im a dreamboat  
TG: is that canon  
uu: TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION, DAVE.  
TG: i aint saying anything about it being strange  
TG: well the claymation where i get sucked into a tiny house yeah thats  
TG: thats a thing  
TG: but ive seen weirder shit on le internet  
TG: literally weirder shit  
TG: like shitting dick nipples  
TG: thats a thing my glassy red peepers have borne witness to  
TG: so  
TG: yknow  
TG: no big  
TG: (dont google that)  
uu: SO YOU DON’T MIND?  
TG: why would i mind  
uu: I DON’T KNOW.  
TG: i aint even mad bro  
TG: cool dude with hella art starts flirting with me  
TG: im not opposed  
TG: can i be real with you though  
uu: SURE.  
TG: lately im feeling like sbahj is starting to stagnate  
TG: and i didnt know what to do with it  
TG: its been on hiatus i dont even know how long  
TG: i lied about the frequency of my updates  
TG: the comic page BMs  
TG: im creatively constipated  
TG: in need of some brainstorming laxatives  
TG: an idea enema  
TG: so uh  
TG: i was thinking maybe if you wanted  
TG: we could like  
TG: we got the same sense of humor almost  
TG: theres a lot of crossover at least  
TG: absurd ironic bullshit overlap  
TG: a venn diagram thats damn near a circle  
uu: CIRCLES ARE FAKE AS SHIT.  
TG: tru  
TG: but hear me out  
TG: do you wanna build a website  
TG: it doesnt have to be a website  
TG: we could just spam content to image hosting shit  
TG: let it work its way naturally through the collective unconscious  
TG: until our art is part of the fundamental cultural dna of human slash cherub existence  
TG: a gestalt  
TG: a zeitgeist  
TG: other uh  
TG: other words  
uu: IT WOULD BE A MARRIAGE OF PURE RAW TALENT. REFINED INTO A FLAWLESS UNION OF EQUALS.  
TG: are you proposing to me  
uu: IT’S A BUSINESS PROPOSAL. I GUESS?  
TG: wow goddamn  
TG: i just got like a thousand fucking dokis  
TG: one thousand and eleventy one to be precise  
TG: yes you may take my hand in bro comic marriage  
TG: i gotta go pick out something to wear for this special occasion  
TG: (im not really leaving the keyboard)  
TG: (im lying to you)  
uu: IT’S NOT LYING IF IT’S STORYTELLING.  
TG: wise words my friend  
TG: ask me what im wearing  
uu: LIKE A ROLEPLAY THING?  
TG: yeah sure  
uu: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?  
TG: a dress made of meat  
TG: alternatively  
TG: a dress made of kermit the frogs  
TG: maybe its kermits the frog  
TG: like passersby  
TG: grammar  
uu: PUPPETS AND MEAT.  
TG: yeah  
TG: dirk had to bring me up to speed on all the gaga shenanigans  
TG: we missed the boat on that shit because of the whole game situation  
TG: got me caught up on obama too  
TG: i hoped and believed in his change  
uu: PUPPETS AND MEAT ARE BOTH RELEVANT TO MY INTERESTS.  
TG: i thought they might be  
uu: CAN I EAT THE DRESS?  
TG: oh my  
TG: i mean  
TG: yeah if you want  
TG: watch out for the stitching though  
TG: then again you eat like  
TG: confetti or glitter or whatever which is just plastic  
TG: your intestines can probably handle anything im serving up  
TG: just dont call the health inspector  
uu: I’LL CONSUME YOUR CLOTHING DISCREETLY.  
TG: thanks i appreciate the courtesy  
TG: so youre saying you wanna put your mouth on me  
uu: I’M NOT GOING TO EAT YOU.  
TG: yeah no  
TG: not what i meant  
uu: GOOD. BECAUSE THAT’S NOT THE KIND OF GUY I AM.  
TG: what kind of guy are you  
uu: THE YAOIEST MOTHERFUCKER WHO EVER LIVED.  
TG: hot damn  
TG: that is some good shit right there  
TG: sign me the fuck up  
TG: you can gravitate towards my... ation  
uu: WHAT?  
TG: how do you feel about corn  
uu: I HATE VEGETABLE MATTER.  
TG: thats a tragedy  
TG: what about bourbon bottles  
uu: WHAT.  
TG: ok you know what i was gonna link you to a thing but  
TG: nevermind  
TG: this ones best left dead  
TG: stay home necromancers  
TG: this doesnt need resurr-erection  
uu: INCREDIBLE.  
uu: I HAVE TO SAY.  
uu: I’VE READ THROUGH EVERY PART OF YOUR STORY. PAGES AND PAGES OF CANDY COLORED TEXT.  
uu: AND IN SPITE OF ALL THAT. I COULDN’T HAVE EVER IMAGINED HOW A CONVERSATION WITH YOU WOULD PLAY OUT. BETWEEN US.  
TG: im one of a kind  
TG: except for all my clones  
TG: you know how it is  
TG: theres always two of me just a-hanging around  
TG: every chromosome is a hand-me-down  
uu: AWFUL.  
TG: im really beside myself  
uu: STOP.  
TG: no  
TG: this is my jam  
TG: unless youd prefer tiffany to weird al  
TG: we are indeed alone now  
TG: which we always were because this is a one on one chat window  
TG: this song talks about holding hands and shit it might be too much for you  
uu: HAA! HAA! NICE ONE DAVE.  
TG: thanks im grateful for your stilted sarcastic laughter  
uu: WEREN’T YOU JUST ASKING ME TO FELLATE YOU?  
TG: welp  
TG: sort of  
TG: yes  
uu: BUT INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT THAT. YOU’RE QUOTING SONGS I DON’T CARE ABOUT.  
TG: as is my nature  
uu: WHY?  
TG: because im trying to pretend im as cool as you think i am  
TG: and im deflecting all that shit with parody lyrics as a defense mechanism against examining my own feelings  
uu: OH YEAH. I KNOW HOW THAT GOES.  
uu: I’VE FOUND IT HELPFUL TO DECONSTRUCT AND EXPLORE ALL THAT VIA ART PROJECTS.  
uu: OR JUST TALKING TO MYSELF OUT LOUD.  
TG: that is my favorite pastime  
TG: i enjoy the sound of my own voice  
TG: its music to my ears  
TG: probably like  
TG: the equivalent of a gregorian chant honestly  
TG: like some epic af vocals  
TG: VAST should sample me  
uu: I WANT TO SAMPLE YOU.  
TG: i didnt know you were a musician  
uu: NOT WHAT I MEANT.  
TG: oh  
uu: ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE A CASIO KEYBOARD.  
TG: did you program it  
TG: give it some new sound effects  
TG: improve on a classic  
uu: OBVIOUSLY.  
TG: sweet  
TG: thats what you do when you get anything programmable  
TG: turn it into dong and fart jokes immediately  
uu: THAT’S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I DID.  
TG: hahahahah  
TG: awesome  
uu: I HOLD MYSELF TO HIGH STANDARDS.  
TG: as is evident  
TG: so  
uu: HM?  
TG: do you really think im cool  
uu: YES.  
TG: ok  
TG: why though  
uu: YOU PURSUE YOUR INTERESTS EVEN WHEN YOUR FRIENDS MOCK THEM.  
uu: YOUR COMMITMENT TO YOUR WEBCOMIC IS ADMIRABLE. AND NO ONE TELLING YOU THAT IT LOOKS LIKE SHIT HAS EVER MADE YOU STOP.  
uu: PLUS AS I’VE SAID BEFORE. YOU HAVE EXCELLENT TASTE IN PUPPETS.  
TG: hm  
TG: go on  
uu: I REALLY LIKED THE PART WHEN YOU MADE A LOT OF SUITS TO WEAR.  
uu: YOU DRESS SHARPLY.  
uu: DAPPER AS FUCK.  
TG: thx  
uu: PEOPLE LIKE YOU.  
TG: sometimes debatable but sure  
uu: YOU LIKE YOURSELF.  
TG: most of the time yeah I do  
TG: im cool with the other daves  
TG: feathery assholes or not  
TG: every dave is a good dave  
uu: I ADMIRE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT.  
uu: I ALSO ADMIRE YOUR FACE. AND YOUR STRENGTH.  
TG: my face is very strong its true  
TG: its from playing poker so much  
uu: I THINK YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE.  
TG: cool  
uu: I THINK YOU’RE ALSO NOT REALLY ACCEPTING ANY OF THE COMPLIMENTS I’M GIVING YOU.  
TG: nope not really im kinda perpetually doubting myself  
TG: but im trying to get better  
uu: YEAH.  
TG: so  
TG: thank you  
TG: its kind of hard to believe it all sometimes but that makes me feel good about myself so yeah man  
TG: thanks  
TG: you seem legit for whatever thats worth  
TG: and your uh  
TG: i mean i dont really know what you look like exactly  
TG: ive heard about your sister but thats it  
TG: and i dont want to make assumptions based on her  
TG: so yknow as far as clay figurines and pixel based drawings go  
TG: hott  
uu: YES. I AM HOT WITH TWO T’S.  
TG: correctt  
TG: i can feel the heatt radiating off my screen  
TG: i gotta lick it to cool it off  
TG: get my terezi on  
TG: i have a massive hard on right now btw  
uu: DO YOU?  
TG: uh  
TG: well  
uu: YOU DON’T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT IF YOU DON’T WANT TO.  
TG: i want to  
TG: i just dont know if its ok if i do  
uu: WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO OR SAY. IS FINE BY ME.  
TG: i  
TG: yeah  
TG: a little  
uu: FUCK.  
TG: what  
TG: whats wrong  
uu: NOTHING’S WRONG.  
TG: oh  
TG: um so  
TG: i mean is that cool  
uu: NO.  
TG: no  
uu: IT’S HOT AS FUCK.  
TG: oh the dramatic pause again  
TG: maybe i should stop assuming shit and just wait for you to finish typing huh  
uu: IT WOULD HELP.  
TG: so you dont mind that talking to you got me hard  
uu: I DON’T MIND.  
uu: IT MAY SURPRISE YOU TO LEARN. THAT I’M REACTING VERY POSITIVELY TO THAT INFORMATION.  
TG: what can i say  
TG: claymation puppet shows get my rocks off  
uu: #SAME.  
TG: im glad im rubbing off on you already  
TG: with ironic hashtag use  
uu: YOU COULD RUB OFF ON ME. IF YOU WANTED TO.  
TG: dude  
uu: WHAT.  
TG: yes  
TG: very yes  
uu: OH.  
TG: keep saying stuff like that  
uu: LIKE LOW-LEVEL INNUENDO?  
TG: yeah  
uu: OK.  
uu: UH.  
uu: WAIT.  
TG: what is it  
uu: ARE YOU TOUCHING YOURSELF?  
TG: yes  
uu: OH SHIT.  
TG: is that ok  
TG: i can stop  
uu: I DON’T WANT YOU TO STOP.  
TG: ok  
uu: I JUST HAVE TO THINK OF WHAT TO SAY.  
TG: you should tell me a story  
TG: since youre such a master storyteller  
TG: and a master at debating  
TG: and probably also a cunning linguist  
TG: is this doing anything for you  
uu: I FEEL INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATED.  
TG: good  
uu: OK. AHEM.  
uu: WE RETURN TO THE JOURNEY OF OUR ALPHA MALE HERO.  
uu: HE HAS BEFRIENDED A NEW PATRON DUDEBRO. WHO IS HERE TO GUIDE HIM ON HIS QUEST.  
TG: whats my quest  
uu: FUCKING AROUND AS MUCH AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.  
TG: im up for that  
TG: hypothetically  
TG: in this story  
uu: (SHHH. LET ME TELL IT.)  
TG: ok go for it  
TG: its tough to type with one hand anyway  
uu: (THAT IS.)  
uu: (REALLY FUCKING HOT TO IMAGINE.)  
uu: (FYI.)  
TG: i want you to imagine it  
uu: (I AM. BUT LET ME TELL YOU THE THING.)  
uu: YOU ARE THE ALPHA MALE. SO I’LL CALL HIM YOU. AND CALL YOU HIM.  
uu: IN THIS CASE IT’S MORE LITERAL THAN BEFORE. BECAUSE BEFORE IT WAS DIRECTED AT THE READERSHIP. BUT SINCE YOU ARE IN REAL LIFE THIS VERY SAME ALPHA MALE. AS WELL AS THE SOLE READER OF THE STORY. IT’S AN IDENTICAL IDENTITY CONCEPT.  
uu: YOU (YOU) ARE ON A ROOF, TALKING TO YOURSELF (YOU WHO IS A BIRD). HENCEFORTH WE’LL REFER TO YOU AS YOU OR THE ALPHA MALE STILL. AND THE OTHER GUY WILL BE BIRD DAVE.  
TG: just call him davesprite  
TG: thats his name  
uu: (OK. I’LL DO THAT.)  
uu: WOW. GODDAMN. LOOK AT THESE TWO COOL AS FUCK, TAKE NO SHIT, RAD AS HELL DAPPER GENTLEMEN.  
uu: YOU ARE WEARING A SUIT. THAT RED ONE. THE RED TUXEDO.  
uu: BECAUSE YOU LOOKED REALLY GOOD IN THAT ONE.  
uu: DAVESPRITE IS WEARING AN ELEGANT DISPLAY OF ORANGE PLUMAGE. IT’S A DESIRABLE HUE OF ORANGE. IN MY OPINION AT LEAST. WHICH IS THE ONLY ONE THAT MATTERS IN THIS CASE. BECAUSE I’M TELLING THE STORY.  
uu: SO HE TELLS YOU. HEY DAVE. YOU TELL HIM HEY.  
uu: HE SAYS THAT HE FORGOT SOMETHING IN THE APARTMENT THAT HE WANTED TO CHECK ON. BEFORE YOU START THE SESSION.  
uu: YOU ASK HIM IF HE WANTS YOU TO GO INSIDE WITH HIM. BACK TO YOUR BEDROOM. AND HE SAYS YES. HE SAYS HE WANTS THAT A LOT. ESPECIALLY WHILE YOU STILL HAVE TIME.  
uu: ESPECIALLY BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE REALIZES HOW HE PROTOTYPED HIMSELF. BEFORE EITHER OF YOU TELL ANYONE. JOHN AND ROSE DON’T EVEN NEED TO KNOW! AND JADE’S ASLEEP. PLUS IT’S OUR STORY SO WE CAN DO WHAT WE WANT.  
uu: ANY TIME I THINK IT’D BE INCONVENIENT TO WORRY ABOUT WHERE AND WHEN PEOPLE ARE. AND WHAT THEY KNOW. I JUST REWRITE MY STORY TO FIT WHAT I WANT TO HAPPEN. NOBODY CAN STOP ME!  
uu: LISTEN. THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU AND DAVESPRITE. ARE GOING TO GO INTO YOUR BEDROOM. AND HOOK UP IMMEDIATELY.  
TG: oh my god  
TG: how much did you see  
uu: I HAVE ACCESS TO THE FULL SCOPE OF THE NARRATIVE. INCLUDING THE ENTIRE SBURB SESSION. EVERY NOTEWORTHY EVENT. ALL OF THE MS. PAINT ADVENTURES. AND ALSO DEVIANTART.  
TG: are you god  
TG: i dont believe in god  
TG: or i didnt  
TG: are you there god its me dave  
TG: am i cybering with god  
uu: I AM YOUR LORD.  
TG: ok so im on the right track then  
TG: goddamn  
TG: you-damn  
uu: OPEN YOUR CHEST. RECEIVE A BOON FROM YOUR CREATOR.  
TG: lmao fuck  
TG: thats a lot of pressure all of the sudden  
TG: i was already your gift to the hawt yaois  
TG: now im being touched by the divine himself  
TG: reach out and poke me like ET  
TG: if im the alpha male  
TG: just call me adam  
uu: I AM IN ACTUALITY. JUST A GUY LIKE YOU. AND AN ARTIST.  
uu: ALSO AN ALIEN. BUT YOU’RE AN ALIEN TOO. TO ME.  
TG: yeah i think my friends forget that sometimes when we get talking with the trolls  
TG: its that anthropocentric bullshit  
uu: YEAH FUCK THAT.  
TG: agreed  
TG: so  
TG: im  
TG: i mean you know anyway  
TG: [terezi shipped us too](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/storyfiles/hs2/scraps/D4V3XD4V3.jpg)  
TG: and as long as you dont tell anybody else im cool with you knowing  
TG: so you can keep narrating to me  
TG: about that thing that happened  
TG: that was fucking awesome  
TG: and the hottest thing in my life  
TG: but that i havent been able to tell anybody about for obvious reasons  
TG: until now  
uu: (YOUR SECRET IS SAFE WITH ME.)  
TG: thank you  
uu: (NO PROBLEM. I WOULDN’T DO YOU LIKE THAT.)  
TG: how would you do me  
uu: (SHHHHH.)  
uu: YOU AND DAVESPRITE GO INSIDE. YOU CHECK THE APARTMENT TO MAKE EXTRA SURE YOUR BROTHER, WHO IS ALSO HANDSOME AND A PUPPET ENTHUSIAST, IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. THE COAST IS CLEAR. YOU THINK YOUR APARTMENT WOULD LOOK WAY BETTER IF IT WAS ON THE OCEAN. WHO NEEDS A COAST ANYWAY.  
uu: YOU THINK YOU’RE ALONE NOW. AND YOU THINK CORRECTLY. SO YOU AND HE START HAVING SLOPPY MAKEOUTS WITH YOUR FLESHY HUMAN LIPS. HE’S PART BIRD BUT HIS LIPS ARE STILL HUMAN SO YOU KISS HIM A LOT. HIS MOUTH TASTES THE EXACT SAME AS YOURS. YOU HAVEN’T EVER THOUGHT ABOUT HOW YOUR SALIVA TASTES UNTIL NOW BECAUSE THERE’S ZERO DIFFERENTIATION AND THAT FACT CALLS ATTENTION TO IT.  
uu: AT THE TIME YOU WEREN’T ACTUALLY WEARING THAT SPECIFIC SUIT. BUT YOU LOOK HOT IN IT SO YOU’RE IN IT, AND DAVESPRITE STARTS TAKING OFF THAT SUIT. THE PLUSH RED ONE. WHATEVER IT WAS CALLED. HIS HANDS FEEL STRANGE AT FIRST. BUT YOU DECIDE YOU LIKE HOW THEY FEEL. KIND OF SCALY. WITH CLAWS. IT’S NICE, YOU THINK. YOU COULD GET USED TO IT. AND HOW HIS HANDS FEEL ON YOUR SKIN.  
TG: his hands did feel nice  
TG: just so you know  
uu: HE HAD A SWORD STICKING THROUGH HIM AT THE POINT. BUT FOR THE SAKE OF THIS STORY. LET’S PRETEND HE ALREADY BANDAGED THAT UP.  
uu: I’M THE AUTHOR. SO I GET TO TAKE CREATIVE LIBERTIES. THAT FACILITATE THIS BEING THE KIND OF SCENE I WANT TO SAVOR WHILE READING.  
uu: HE GETS ON TOP OF YOU ON YOUR BED. WHICH IS KIND OF RIDICULOUS BECAUSE HE CAN HOVER, BUT YOU CLING TO HIM ANYWAY. HE TOUCHES YOU THROUGH YOUR BOXERS. YOU LIKE HOW HIS HANDS FEEL, AND YOU TRUST HIM NOT TO HURT YOU WITH HIS CLAWS. BECAUSE WHY WOULD HE??  
uu: YOU KEEP KISSING HIM WHILE HE GROPES AT YOU. YOU DECIDE THIS IS A GOOD TIME TO EXPLORE WHAT HE’S GOT GOING ON DOWN THERE. YOU SLIDE YOUR HAND DOWN AND FEEL INTO HIS FEATHERS, WHERE HIS LEGS WOULD BE IF HE HAD ANY.  
uu: YOU TOUCH THE ENTRANCE TO HIS CLOACA WITH YOUR FINGERTIPS.  
uu: (THAT’S WHAT IT’S CALLED. IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW.)  
TG: i knew  
TG: trust me i knew  
uu: YOU THINK THIS WOULD BE EASIER IF THE FEATHERS WEREN’T IN THE WAY. IF YOU COULD SEE WHAT YOU WERE DOING. YOU WANT TO TOUCH HIM AND FINGER HIM AND LICK HIM AND IF YOU GOT HIM WET ENOUGH YOU COULD GET YOUR MALE HUMAN BONER UP INTO HIM. IT WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT FEATHERS MAKING THIS COMPLICATED. BUT YOU MAKE DO.  
uu: YOU GET HIM TO TURN AROUND. AND SORT OF FLOAT HIS SPRITE BUTT TOWARDS YOU. SINCE HE ISN’T LIMITED BY GRAVITY LIKE YOU ARE HE CAN JUST KINDA HOVER IN PLACE. YOU TAKE OFF YOUR SHADES SO YOU CAN WATCH WHILE HE PULLS DOWN YOUR BOXERS AND [LOWERS HIS FACE TO YOUR HUMAN DICK. HE LOWERS HIS CLOACA TO YOUR FACE TOO.](http://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/132618207630/dave-why-are-we-so-fucking-awesome-davesprite)  
uu: YOU GET YOUR FINGERS INTO HIM, LICKING THEM FREQUENTLY TO KEEP THEM WET. YOU DON’T WANT TO HURT HIM. BECAUSE THAT WHOLE SITUATION IS SENSITIVE AND DELICATE. YOU THINK MAYBE YOUR TONGUE IS BETTER AFTER ALL. HIS TONGUE IS DOING A GREAT JOB ON YOU. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN AFRAID TO HAVE TEETH NEAR YOUR DICK. HUMAN JAWS CAN BITE WITH TREMENDOUS PRESSURE. AND HUMAN TEETH ARE DANGEROUS. SO YOU THINK THAT MAYBE IT JUST DEPENDS ON THE PERSON WHO HAS THOSE TEETH BEING CAREFUL WITH THEM. SAME THING WITH THE CLAWS. AND NO ALIEN RACE IS INHERENTLY BETTER THAN ANOTHER. AT THAT KIND OF THING.  
uu: YOU RUN YOUR TONGUE OVER HIS CLOACA WHILE HE SUCKS YOU OFF. YOU SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT HOW HE IS REALLY HOT. YOU THINK THAT HE IS STILL OBVIOUSLY A GUY. AND JUST BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE THAT’S OK. HE IS CLEARLY A BOY. AND AS A PERSON WHO IS ALSO A BIRD THIS MAKES SENSE. ANYBODY WHO HAD A NON-PRIMATE ORIGIN WOULD FEEL THE SAME. [WITH WHATEVER THEY HAVE.](http://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/116620825475/unified-theory-of-cherub-junk-the-lifes-work-of) AND IT DOESN’T MAKE THEM LESS DUDELY.  
TG: is this hitting a nerve  
TG: eating him out was phenomenal  
TG: i wasnt ever worried about it  
TG: it was real fucking hot  
uu: HE EASES HIS HIPS BACK SO HIS CLOACA IS PUSHED ONTO YOUR TONGUE. YOU LIFT YOUR HANDS TO HOLD HIM IN PLACE WHILE YOU GIVE HIM HEAD. HE USES HIS HANDS AND HIS OWN VERY LONG TONGUE TO WRAP AROUND YOUR HUMAN BONER AND GET YOU EVEN MORE WORKED UP.  
TG: fuck  
TG: yeah  
TG: fuck yeah  
uu: WITH THE WAY HE’S MOVING ON TOP OF YOU. YOU THINK THAT HE’S PROBABLY GETTING CLOSE. SO YOU STICK YOUR TONGUE DEEP INSIDE HIM, BUT HE PULLS HIMSELF AWAY. HE ISN’T GOING TO BE SATISFIED UNTIL YOU FUCK HIM.  
TG: im already fucking him  
uu: BUT WITH YOUR DICK.  
TG: its all fucking  
TG: it all counts as fucking  
uu: HE STILL WANTS TO FEEL THAT THOUGH. SO HE FLIPS HIMSELF TURNWAYS AND STRADDLES YOUR HIPS. HE THINKS YOU’RE REALLY ATTRACTIVE. AND ALSO THAT YOU ARE FUN TO FUCK. AND THAT YOU FEEL GOOD AND HE TRUSTS YOU.  
TG: i trust him too  
uu: HE’S RELIEVED TO HEAR THAT. SO HE GETS HIS KNEES BRACED ON EITHER SIDE OF YOUR THIGHS. AND THEN HE SINKS DOWN ONTO YOU. UNTIL YOU’RE BURIED FUCK DEEP INTO HIS CLOACA.  
TG: i want to make him feel good  
TG: im hoping hes enjoying this on his end as much as i am on mine  
TG: especially with his hands and/or claws  
TG: if they work for his purposes  
TG: whatever those may be  
uu: HIS HANDS ARE PERFECTLY SUITABLE FOR SOME THINGS AND HE HAS OTHER STUFF HE ALCHEMIZED TO TAKE CARE OF THE REST.  
uu: BUT HE’S GLAD YOU ASKED.  
uu: IT’S ALL WORKING OUT FOR HIM. ESPECIALLY NOW THAT HE CAN FEEL YOU HOT AND THICK AND VIBRATING INSIDE HIM.  
TG: i am battery operated its true  
uu: HE TOUCHES HIMSELF WHILE YOU FUCK UP INTO HIM. AND HE TELLS YOU WHAT A RELIEF IT IS THAT HE DOESN’T HAVE TO TYPE AT THE SAME TIME. BECAUSE IT’D MAKE EVERYTHING A LOT MORE DIFFICULT THAN STRICTLY NECESSARY.  
TG: i tell him if he needs to take a minute to use both hands its fine with me  
TG: because i got a really pleasant mental image of all this stuff thats going down  
TG: and im gonna bust a nut  
TG: inside his cloaca that is  
TG: and not into a crumpled tissue  
TG: he feels tight and hot around my dick  
TG: i grab onto his thighs and then also his ass  
TG: maybe settle my hands onto his hips  
TG: just touch kinda everywhere  
TG: hes sort of smooth and sort of scaly depending  
TG: he feels good under my hands  
TG: and he looks fuckin hot as shit while hes riding my cock  
TG: i want him to come  
TG: i want to see his teeth when he opens his mouth to moan because of me and because of how hard hes going at it  
TG: so hard i can barely keep up  
TG: he climbed all the god tiers  
TG: like every fucking one of them  
TG: got all the levels in fucking  
TG: and between the two of us since we share an aspect  
TG: we got all the time in the world to revel in this shit  
TG: especially anything thats got variable speeds and pulse settings maybe  
TG: yknow if thats a thing thats available for him  
TG: which would be if he was in my bedroom because i got plenty of toys if he wants to hang out and chill sometime and play around  
TG: so to speak  
TG: id be up for that and simultaneously down for that  
uu: DAVE.  
TG: what  
uu: I DON’T WANT TO MOVE.  
uu: HOLY SHIT.  
TG: i thought we established you werent into the shit thing  
uu: OH MY GOD. SHUT UP.  
TG: im the best at pillow talk jsyk  
TG: did you get off  
uu: YEAH.  
uu: YOU DID, RIGHT?  
TG: yeah before i started writing that spiel up there  
TG: davesprite doesnt have legs you know  
uu: I KNOW.  
TG: yeah i know too  
uu: I KNOW YOU KNOW.  
TG: i know you know but what am i  
uu: THE SMART TALKING. GIVE NO FUCK. ALPHA MALE.  
TG: i gave a fuck  
TG: i gave you a fuck  
TG: at least one fuck  
TG: number of fucks given is equal to or greater than one  
uu: YOU DON'T SPOIL GOOD DEBAUCHERY. WITH A LOT OF STUPID MATH.  
TG: nah i just wanna spoil you  
TG: kawaii emoji here  
uu: DESu DESu DESu.  
uu: ANTIQuATED QuIRK INCLuDED FOR MAXIMuM ANIMu LuLZ.  
TG: ok but for real why havent we ever hung out before  
TG: youre like  
TG: perfect  
uu: THAT’S WHAT I KEEP TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE.  
uu: I’M THE BEST.  
TG: best at memes  
TG: best at making my future self into your own oc do not steal  
TG: get your self insert on  
uu: I DID. BELIEVE ME.  
TG: hott  
uu: tUMUt  
TG: omg no stop that gay shit  
uu: IT’S TOO LATE.  
uu: ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT GAY MEANS NOW.  
uu: YOU’RE DOOMED.  
TG: ugh dont say that  
TG: for real  
uu: I KNOW HOW IT FEELS TOO.  
TG: oh  
TG: yeah i guess you would wouldnt you  
uu: YEAH.  
TG: ok um i think we  
TG: would have a lot to talk about  
TG: if you wanna mosey your way over to where im at sometime  
TG: if thats chill  
uu: THAT’D BE CHILL WITH ME ALSO.  
TG: hella  
TG: ok we can keep talking in a minute but i gotta go wash my hands  
uu: HASHTAG SAME.  
TG: kek  
TG: brb tho  
uu: YEAH ME TOO.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not saying dave is trans
> 
> but I'm also not saying that dave is not trans


End file.
